true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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