My brain says no but my pants say off.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
