Got a toothbrush?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Randomize
