She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
