I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
my shit smells like andre
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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