She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
