watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
