I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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