you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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