While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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