under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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