dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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