I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
