sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize