I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I am naked and annoyed.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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