I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
