Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
