the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
