Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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