Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
