He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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