I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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