i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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