Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
