My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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