Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We talked him into tasing himself.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
