I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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