Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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