I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize