This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
