just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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