My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
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