what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
