I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I wish you could order shots online.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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