Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
that's an acceptable place to lick
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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