I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
