I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
