her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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