I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
