How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
