I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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