can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
