After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
