The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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