dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
