I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
