In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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