If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize