YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize