dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
