I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
