It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
