I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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