the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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