Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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