just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Can you bring me the toilet please
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
