I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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