dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
