i'm signing you up for texting rehab
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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